I'm gonna have a badass scar
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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