Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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