You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
