I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
