i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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