Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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