I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
