i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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