omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
