There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I am one with the molecules
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
