I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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