I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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