I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
