saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
