I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
