I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize
