CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
