Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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