there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
