matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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