He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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