Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
