A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
