party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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