why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
