I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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