The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
