I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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