I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
