Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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