He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
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