I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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