Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Fuck appropriateness.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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