life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
