I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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