we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
