No stitches, just platelets and will power
This show inspires me to have sex in space
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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