Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
