I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
