your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
