ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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