I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
