You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
