Soap is not a condiment
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
