There is no way he is gay with that hair.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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