My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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