Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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