i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
