he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
