So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
