I need to stop coming to work sober
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
