So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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