I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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